Re-Focusing Life
It is a wonder how difficult it is to keep priorities straight in life... and equally a wonder how life eventually sets you straight.
I've been burning my candle at both ends for several years now... actually, that's inaccurate - I've been burning my candle at both ends while also roasting the wax in the middle for several years now. Basically, I've been taking responsibility for everything... I get involved everywhere, and in every case where I get involved, I have been making myself feel responsible for the widespread ultimate success.
In late summer, I suddenly had that revelation, and realized what I'd been doing. In the process, I'd been keeping myself deeply involved in activities and relationships that were no longer healthy for me, and blaming myself when they were imperfect... I'd been taking the successes I'd had, and flogging myself for every perceptible blemish... and I'd been not feeling at all good about most of what I'd been doing. It took a lot of both introspection and discussion with people close to me, but eventually a possible approach presented itself that I decided to experiment with: refocus where I feel I can have a healthy experience and make a positive difference, and embrace what I accomplish rather than bemoan what I don't.
What a difference.
Life demanded renovation, and it's coming, but it is really feeling good already. A few cases in point:
(A) Life Goals - What do I really want out of life anyway? Well, after thinking that question over a few times, I noticed that it is especially unusual that I spend 80% of my non-career hours in focus on a specific place not necessarily intrinsic to those goals, and very little of the remaining time on starting a family with my wife and on creating artwork I can share with the world. I've been paying a lot more attention to the two latter, which has made me much happier. I've also made another change... keep reading...
(B) Theatre - I realized that I was in an environment for my hobby that, for reasons I cannot control, has become partly toxic. It's not totally toxic, but the once well-founded and healthy loyalty that I held to the place I have been doing theatre for a decade is no longer warranted, nor is it healthy... and it is only getting me hurt, repeatedly. So, I declined to seek to continue as leader of that organization, and announced my retirement as a director there. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from me, and it has actually helped me a great deal in enjoying the limited involvements that I do still have there, directing my last show last month, and helping out peripherally with the current one.
(C) Artistic Judgement - I had fallen into a trap that I have long consciouslly and vocally railed against, and hadn't noticed I had been ensnared by until quite some time had gone by in that trap: specifically, I cared a whole lot about what the sum total average response was to my arts from a judgemental aspect. I strongly object to that value, since I know I'd much rather have my art produce desired reactions on my audience than necessarily guarantee they all "approve" of it. The results were that I enjoyed this last directorial experience ten times more than the several that have preceeded it, even including last spring's revival of my best work from the past. I also feel, whether anyone else agrees or not, that it promoted circumstances that once again produced work I can be especially proud of, far more in line with my wishes for my art than I've been able to point to in years.
(D) Value Focus in Education - It is very easy to fall offtrack when a teacher of any art (or sports, for that matter) - since people's reaction to the work produced is a very visible, vocal, strong reaction... but, I have always really felt, it doesn't matter at ALL in a public school, except for how it contributes toward the real focus: growth, development, learning, and postive experience for the youth involved. Once I reaffirmed this for myself and re-committed myself to it, I found several decisions about this currently beginning school year presenting themselves that honestly surprised me... they were options I had been blind to, but which suited the real goals of my program far better than others. So far, response has been all positive, and I have directly observed plenty of good byproducts of those choices already... I hope this continues, and have a certain amount of confidence it will.
(E) Self Assuredness / Faith in Others - One other important thing happened in my life this year as the school year began... I am, this year, very confident that I know what my students need, that I know how to help them procure it, and that I am somebody worth having as a teacher. With that in mind, I also looked at my new students with eyes I haven't used before, and, if possible, I believed even more strongly than before that every last one of those who enter my room are capable of growing from the experience, enjoying being there, and ultimately achieving what their presence in my classroom is intended to prompt. This one is really strange to me, but honestly, I have been happier every day. I catch myself smiling a whole lot, compared to previous years... and I've felt healthier, too, with my usual health troubles not slowing me down or holding me back anywhere near as much... and I'm really happy to say that I even feel the truth of that faith in class each day - I really feel good about having those students there, and I feel that they are finding my classroom a good place to be and are progressing toward the goals we have together. If you're not a teacher, trust me - this is a really great feeling.
(F) Relationships - I had been really spending a lot of stress making things "work" in a few important relationships. Life has made things change in those relationships, and I was fighting it. However, over the past month or two, I've stopped fighting it and just "let it be." I'd like to say it was a conscious decision, and it is now, but it just sort of "happened" along the way to get there. The result is that I've found that I'm much happier just letting go of those relationships... sure, I'm not writing them off... but I'm not lamenting them either, because it is far more healthy and effective overall to focus on the good, healthy friendships I do have - and many of those have grown stronger for the effort.
It doesn't deserve its own lettered item, but I've even finally got some specific plan designs on getting things going in working on my weight. Only time will tell there.
If I ever need to refocus again, I just hope I can identify that need earlier - it is such a feeling of relief right now, and a bit disappointing only that I didn't do it sooner.
I've been burning my candle at both ends for several years now... actually, that's inaccurate - I've been burning my candle at both ends while also roasting the wax in the middle for several years now. Basically, I've been taking responsibility for everything... I get involved everywhere, and in every case where I get involved, I have been making myself feel responsible for the widespread ultimate success.
In late summer, I suddenly had that revelation, and realized what I'd been doing. In the process, I'd been keeping myself deeply involved in activities and relationships that were no longer healthy for me, and blaming myself when they were imperfect... I'd been taking the successes I'd had, and flogging myself for every perceptible blemish... and I'd been not feeling at all good about most of what I'd been doing. It took a lot of both introspection and discussion with people close to me, but eventually a possible approach presented itself that I decided to experiment with: refocus where I feel I can have a healthy experience and make a positive difference, and embrace what I accomplish rather than bemoan what I don't.
What a difference.
Life demanded renovation, and it's coming, but it is really feeling good already. A few cases in point:
(A) Life Goals - What do I really want out of life anyway? Well, after thinking that question over a few times, I noticed that it is especially unusual that I spend 80% of my non-career hours in focus on a specific place not necessarily intrinsic to those goals, and very little of the remaining time on starting a family with my wife and on creating artwork I can share with the world. I've been paying a lot more attention to the two latter, which has made me much happier. I've also made another change... keep reading...
(B) Theatre - I realized that I was in an environment for my hobby that, for reasons I cannot control, has become partly toxic. It's not totally toxic, but the once well-founded and healthy loyalty that I held to the place I have been doing theatre for a decade is no longer warranted, nor is it healthy... and it is only getting me hurt, repeatedly. So, I declined to seek to continue as leader of that organization, and announced my retirement as a director there. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from me, and it has actually helped me a great deal in enjoying the limited involvements that I do still have there, directing my last show last month, and helping out peripherally with the current one.
(C) Artistic Judgement - I had fallen into a trap that I have long consciouslly and vocally railed against, and hadn't noticed I had been ensnared by until quite some time had gone by in that trap: specifically, I cared a whole lot about what the sum total average response was to my arts from a judgemental aspect. I strongly object to that value, since I know I'd much rather have my art produce desired reactions on my audience than necessarily guarantee they all "approve" of it. The results were that I enjoyed this last directorial experience ten times more than the several that have preceeded it, even including last spring's revival of my best work from the past. I also feel, whether anyone else agrees or not, that it promoted circumstances that once again produced work I can be especially proud of, far more in line with my wishes for my art than I've been able to point to in years.
(D) Value Focus in Education - It is very easy to fall offtrack when a teacher of any art (or sports, for that matter) - since people's reaction to the work produced is a very visible, vocal, strong reaction... but, I have always really felt, it doesn't matter at ALL in a public school, except for how it contributes toward the real focus: growth, development, learning, and postive experience for the youth involved. Once I reaffirmed this for myself and re-committed myself to it, I found several decisions about this currently beginning school year presenting themselves that honestly surprised me... they were options I had been blind to, but which suited the real goals of my program far better than others. So far, response has been all positive, and I have directly observed plenty of good byproducts of those choices already... I hope this continues, and have a certain amount of confidence it will.
(E) Self Assuredness / Faith in Others - One other important thing happened in my life this year as the school year began... I am, this year, very confident that I know what my students need, that I know how to help them procure it, and that I am somebody worth having as a teacher. With that in mind, I also looked at my new students with eyes I haven't used before, and, if possible, I believed even more strongly than before that every last one of those who enter my room are capable of growing from the experience, enjoying being there, and ultimately achieving what their presence in my classroom is intended to prompt. This one is really strange to me, but honestly, I have been happier every day. I catch myself smiling a whole lot, compared to previous years... and I've felt healthier, too, with my usual health troubles not slowing me down or holding me back anywhere near as much... and I'm really happy to say that I even feel the truth of that faith in class each day - I really feel good about having those students there, and I feel that they are finding my classroom a good place to be and are progressing toward the goals we have together. If you're not a teacher, trust me - this is a really great feeling.
(F) Relationships - I had been really spending a lot of stress making things "work" in a few important relationships. Life has made things change in those relationships, and I was fighting it. However, over the past month or two, I've stopped fighting it and just "let it be." I'd like to say it was a conscious decision, and it is now, but it just sort of "happened" along the way to get there. The result is that I've found that I'm much happier just letting go of those relationships... sure, I'm not writing them off... but I'm not lamenting them either, because it is far more healthy and effective overall to focus on the good, healthy friendships I do have - and many of those have grown stronger for the effort.
It doesn't deserve its own lettered item, but I've even finally got some specific plan designs on getting things going in working on my weight. Only time will tell there.
If I ever need to refocus again, I just hope I can identify that need earlier - it is such a feeling of relief right now, and a bit disappointing only that I didn't do it sooner.
posted by Greg J. Hipius | 4:38 PM
1 Comments:
yay for well-educated students.
(those students....being me...)
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