My Midlife Crisis Begins?

Each day, we all age 24 more hours. There are no 24 hours that we age that are any longer than the others - 24 hours is always 24 hours. But, when we age the 24 hours that bring our life total to 262801 hours, many of us react with dread, grief, loss, frustration, emptiness, and a re-examination of our life thus far.

Yeah, I turned 30 recently.

I know I’m not significantly older today than I was two weeks ago. But when I was twenty-something, the mental estimation that I had suggested there was still more ahead of me than behind me… now, my mind estimates that I could be crossing into a point any moment now where there is more time in my natural life behind me than that which is ahead of me… and there is no way to ever know when that moment is… or was.

Here are the three major thoughts that I found myself having on turning 30:

1. Can I really handle the great curse of my profession and philosophy for another 25 years or more? I teach upper end high school, and my particular philosophy is that I am teaching young adults who deserve to be treated as adults and who most benefit from a combination of adult colleague and coach, rather than any longer from the parent / authoritarian model for child students. I strongly feel that my students need people who will welcome them into the real world, seek to include them in adult life (and expect them to respond with adult responsibility), and are ready to be colleagues, friends, peers, and collaborators with them. I know that my philosophy is not popular, but I feel I have some particular success with my theatre arts students and my senior English students that can back up my choices. However, the result is that I am in a constant state of watching groups of people I view as colleagues, friends, peers, and collaborators move on to great things in the real world beyond, while I am destined to always remain here. The ride is great, and I am so very honored to make so many great acquaintances, colleauges, friends, etc., and even to feel that I have, in some small way, made contributions to the final adult they solidify to be in the world when they leave… but I miss so many of them a great deal. Certainly there are two or three whose path in life have led them to places where I still get to remain colleague/friend with them (Yay Meg! Yay Zack! etc.), but the vast majority are off, and that’s the way I do want it… that’s what we’re preparing them for, to be off and to fly… but still. It does hurt. I’m losing a very special group in a couple of weeks, including four or so that I find it difficult to even imagine my job without them as a daily part. I know, they weren’t around in year one for me, but it still feels like they’ve always been an important part of my world here at work, and I’m going to miss them quite a lot. Ironically, I don’t have such a good way of communicating those feelings as my colleagues who have a more authoritarian/parental relationship philosophy; similarly ironically, they tend to pass me over when doing things like distributing senior pictures - I received exactly one this entire year (although I also attribute this to being male and the misconception that somehow being male means I wouldn’t appreaciate nostalgic items like that). Well, this could turn into a blog of its own rather than just one point of three, so I’ll stop myself here…
2. Have I whistled away too much time… will I have major regrets before too long? No doubt, there are tons of things I want to do and accomplish, but have yet to do. I have several books started, none finished. I only just finished my first play this year, and it is a mediocre one act play that will likely never see the light of a stage. I have an army of websites that I gave a great start but now don’t update anywhere as often as I should (and besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that nobody is viewing or reading them anyway). There are things that I’ve done of which I’m proud, but they’re always on small-scale… I direct and produce plays - at a small community theater with an average attendance of 30… I write - things that few or no people ever read… I have developed and run a robust high school theatre program - at an urban school, and only for five years, and putting on exceptional work that only those within our school community ever see. Am I making a positive impact on my world? Am I doing enough? I expend an awful lot of time on myself and hobbies of latency - television and film, music, video games, poker… is it too much? Is it indulgence to the level of greed?
3. Is it too late already to pull out of the tailspin my health is in? I weigh over 350 lbs. I remember when I weighed 220 exiting high school and wished to lose weight so I could feel okay about my looks… I remember when I weighed 314 for the longest time while away at college, and set a minimum goal for myself to never weigh more than “pi”… I remember when I first had diabetes strike me upside the head a year ago, and I was just under 340… I started a blog related solely to my weight last year when I pledged to struggle, and at least stay under 350. I excitedly looked forward to finally having a treadmill and starting a major push, and finally had one set up and ready to use in the living room on Sunday. Then, on Monday, I puttered around the house doing errands before eating Chinese (worst weightloss choice possible) last night, then having leftover Chinese for lunch today along with leftover cheesefries from Zebbs this weekend, and I’ll be heading almost directly from school to go out to dinner at Ichiban tonight. My health already killed several dreams and experiences… I dropped quickly from my one try at a DCI level drum corps before aging out because I couldn’t keep up physically and would have been holding them back… I go to once-in-a-lifetime opportunity theatre shows and sporting events, and spend more time paying attention to the intense pain in my sides and legs due to the size of the seats compared to the size of me than I do to the show… I miss out on memories with friends when we go camping and I can’t make the hike, or when we go on vacation and I tire out from the walking by mid-day. I must be, on some subconscious level, such an embarassment for my wife. If we do eventually have kids, at this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do all the things a father should be able to do with them. I disgust myself, and it may be too late to do anything about it.

Wow. This is even a lot more pessimistic than I had any imagining it might be when I started. I hope I find a way out of it - we just paid for a new used van and major surgery for one of our pet ferrets… I can’t afford a midlife crisis toy like other men.