A short, discouraged rant

I just don't get it. I'm trying very hard to understand, but I just don't get it.

I regularly defend my workplace to the world at large, because there is such an immense perception that an urban school is dangerous and populated by bad people, which is completely false. I've worked for several years now in one of our city high schools, and I have for years now freely stated that the vast majority of the students are great people and with as much promise as anyone else, and having also worked in the suburbs prior (allegedly so much safer and better), that the environment is as safe and amiable as any other.

However, I can't help but really feel let down over the past couple months. This same school I have defended, that I have said such great things about for so long, has in just two months hosted several thievings of my belongings (total value: several hundred dollars), some isolated but immense regular occurences of pandemonium where one can count on going to see unmonitored students acting extremely wildly, and a severely increasing trend of irresponsible and reckless behavior combined with a refusal to acknowledge their own actions. Over the past 24 hours, I have been hit by flying objects twice (once by accident by a thrown book, and once on purpose by a thrown AA battery to the back of my head) and observed several other instances... over the past 24 hours, the exact same lamp in my room has been upended and the bulb shattered twice (once by honest accident, and once by someone not paying attention to what they are doing pushing someone else into it)... over the past 24 hours, three students have related to me stories of having unprovoked violence visited upon them while simply traversing the halls.

It hurts because I really love most of these kids... the representation from the criminal element and the sociologically impaired element is still in the vast minority, but why does it have to be such a vocal minority? Why do so many great kids have to suffer for the transgressions of the small but very troubling and visible set of dispecable peers?

New Photospoofs

As many of you know, I like to engage in "photospoofing", particularly in the context of the contests sponsored by Woot.com. My skill is very basic and so I can't really hope to compete for awards with the expert nerds that complement each other on fancy things like adding reflections and complex shadows, but it still is a good outlet for a creative sense of humor. Anyway, when I've got entries I'm especially proud of, I like to post them here too, for others to enjoy.

The contest this time was based on the old actor's adage "Never work with children or animals." The task was to adjust or create a film or television screenshot, recasting the key characters as children or animals. Predictably, most of the other entries have gone the route of placing monkey and kitten heads onto the bodies of well known human characters. I, however, felt there were two different, and I feel much more thoughtful and sophisticated, ways to take advantage of the humor potential. I put two entries together.

The first:


Admittedly, most people who aren't English teachers like me probably won't get it. The screen shot is of the character "Dill" in the film adaptation of Harper Lee's novel To Kill a Mockingbird. The relevance is that Harper Lee's book was a fictionalized partial autobiography, and indeed she did grow up close friends with Truman Capote, on whom she based the character "Dill".












Okay, so, realizing that was probably too oblique, I made one more generally accessible:





















See, if I was a real nerd, I could have made the shadows on young Jodie Foster match the shadows of the lambs. But I'm a nerd in other areas, so I'm outta luck.

Anyway - I'm surprised I'm the only one so far who has made an entry attempting to capitalize on the idea of using a childhood picture of a former child actor to lampoon the context of a film in which that same actor performed as an adult. I guess I'm missing the "kitten heads on human bodies is cute" gene or something.

Re-Focusing Life

It is a wonder how difficult it is to keep priorities straight in life... and equally a wonder how life eventually sets you straight.

I've been burning my candle at both ends for several years now... actually, that's inaccurate - I've been burning my candle at both ends while also roasting the wax in the middle for several years now. Basically, I've been taking responsibility for everything... I get involved everywhere, and in every case where I get involved, I have been making myself feel responsible for the widespread ultimate success.

In late summer, I suddenly had that revelation, and realized what I'd been doing. In the process, I'd been keeping myself deeply involved in activities and relationships that were no longer healthy for me, and blaming myself when they were imperfect... I'd been taking the successes I'd had, and flogging myself for every perceptible blemish... and I'd been not feeling at all good about most of what I'd been doing. It took a lot of both introspection and discussion with people close to me, but eventually a possible approach presented itself that I decided to experiment with: refocus where I feel I can have a healthy experience and make a positive difference, and embrace what I accomplish rather than bemoan what I don't.

What a difference.

Life demanded renovation, and it's coming, but it is really feeling good already. A few cases in point:

(A) Life Goals - What do I really want out of life anyway? Well, after thinking that question over a few times, I noticed that it is especially unusual that I spend 80% of my non-career hours in focus on a specific place not necessarily intrinsic to those goals, and very little of the remaining time on starting a family with my wife and on creating artwork I can share with the world. I've been paying a lot more attention to the two latter, which has made me much happier. I've also made another change... keep reading...

(B) Theatre - I realized that I was in an environment for my hobby that, for reasons I cannot control, has become partly toxic. It's not totally toxic, but the once well-founded and healthy loyalty that I held to the place I have been doing theatre for a decade is no longer warranted, nor is it healthy... and it is only getting me hurt, repeatedly. So, I declined to seek to continue as leader of that organization, and announced my retirement as a director there. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from me, and it has actually helped me a great deal in enjoying the limited involvements that I do still have there, directing my last show last month, and helping out peripherally with the current one.

(C) Artistic Judgement - I had fallen into a trap that I have long consciouslly and vocally railed against, and hadn't noticed I had been ensnared by until quite some time had gone by in that trap: specifically, I cared a whole lot about what the sum total average response was to my arts from a judgemental aspect. I strongly object to that value, since I know I'd much rather have my art produce desired reactions on my audience than necessarily guarantee they all "approve" of it. The results were that I enjoyed this last directorial experience ten times more than the several that have preceeded it, even including last spring's revival of my best work from the past. I also feel, whether anyone else agrees or not, that it promoted circumstances that once again produced work I can be especially proud of, far more in line with my wishes for my art than I've been able to point to in years.

(D) Value Focus in Education - It is very easy to fall offtrack when a teacher of any art (or sports, for that matter) - since people's reaction to the work produced is a very visible, vocal, strong reaction... but, I have always really felt, it doesn't matter at ALL in a public school, except for how it contributes toward the real focus: growth, development, learning, and postive experience for the youth involved. Once I reaffirmed this for myself and re-committed myself to it, I found several decisions about this currently beginning school year presenting themselves that honestly surprised me... they were options I had been blind to, but which suited the real goals of my program far better than others. So far, response has been all positive, and I have directly observed plenty of good byproducts of those choices already... I hope this continues, and have a certain amount of confidence it will.

(E) Self Assuredness / Faith in Others - One other important thing happened in my life this year as the school year began... I am, this year, very confident that I know what my students need, that I know how to help them procure it, and that I am somebody worth having as a teacher. With that in mind, I also looked at my new students with eyes I haven't used before, and, if possible, I believed even more strongly than before that every last one of those who enter my room are capable of growing from the experience, enjoying being there, and ultimately achieving what their presence in my classroom is intended to prompt. This one is really strange to me, but honestly, I have been happier every day. I catch myself smiling a whole lot, compared to previous years... and I've felt healthier, too, with my usual health troubles not slowing me down or holding me back anywhere near as much... and I'm really happy to say that I even feel the truth of that faith in class each day - I really feel good about having those students there, and I feel that they are finding my classroom a good place to be and are progressing toward the goals we have together. If you're not a teacher, trust me - this is a really great feeling.

(F) Relationships - I had been really spending a lot of stress making things "work" in a few important relationships. Life has made things change in those relationships, and I was fighting it. However, over the past month or two, I've stopped fighting it and just "let it be." I'd like to say it was a conscious decision, and it is now, but it just sort of "happened" along the way to get there. The result is that I've found that I'm much happier just letting go of those relationships... sure, I'm not writing them off... but I'm not lamenting them either, because it is far more healthy and effective overall to focus on the good, healthy friendships I do have - and many of those have grown stronger for the effort.

It doesn't deserve its own lettered item, but I've even finally got some specific plan designs on getting things going in working on my weight. Only time will tell there.

If I ever need to refocus again, I just hope I can identify that need earlier - it is such a feeling of relief right now, and a bit disappointing only that I didn't do it sooner.

I'm in community theatre - guess I'm safe from the draft.

*sigh*

I have tried sooooooooooooooo hard to refrain from just being political on my blog, especially after a random, anonymous radical lunatic stopped through many months ago proving that someone is reading my blog (if only random anonymous radical lunatics doing websearches for "War on Christmas" and becoming offended by my war on the War on Christmas)... but I just can't hack it at the moment. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm a teacher off for the summer, and so I've had more time than during the rest of the year to stay up on current events. But nonetheless, I think this would have affected me significantly at any time of year.

About a week ago, a news article reported on an Arab translator with the U.S. military, Bleu Copas, that has been drummed out of the service for that horrendous, contagious crime of being homosexual. The part of the article that just pushed me one step too far was this:

"On December 2, investigators formally interviewed Copas and asked if he understood the military's policy on homosexuals, if he had any close acquaintances who were gay, and if he was involved in community theater. He answered affirmatively."

Well. Hmm. I have a lot of different reactions to this, but first I need to finish describing my research, in the interest of full disclosure. Several independent reporters and bloggers found this to be as simply far beyond the realm of sense as I, and skeptically contacted Bleu Copas himself to verify it; to clarify, in all cases, Copas acknowledged that he is involved in community theatre (making this question less "arbitrary" than it sounds in a news report), but that the question was asked amidst interrogation attempting to find channels of evidence to reach the "outting" conclusion on his sexuality.

It's no secret that I'm very involved in community theatre, and straight and married; I will freely admit, however, that there is a significant representation of the homosexual community in community theatre. I don't know, though, that it's a larger percentage involvement, or just a larger percentage of involvement by people who feel they can be open and honest with their colleagues... community theatre is a hobby-level involvement that encourages a lot of great friendshps and overall inclusion and embracing of all types of people, so I've found that my community theatre colleagues tend to open up to those they are working with about all SORTS of secrets they wouldn't reveal elsewhere.

Now. I'm just guessing, because I am a physically weak person with a couple of personal issues about killing and have never served in the military (and have great respect and admiration for those who do, since they are doing necessary crucial work I cannot)... but shouldn't a profession like the military want to foster that same kind of no-holds-barred trust that COMMUNITY THEATRE fosters? But no, instead, infuriatingly pathetic homophobic bigots infest our government and military, and treat sexual preference like a disease, and persecute and ostracize those unlike themselves.

I do NOT respect a military leader who would treat another human being that way.

If you believe as I do, that sexual preference is not an issue of morality, there is no excuse to let it enter into other issues at all. But I do know that many do not believe as I do, that many believe it is somehow wrong or immoral... of those, there are two types: type A honestly believe that for religous reasons (and I can respect that while I disagree with it) - which would suggest that your religous beliefs ALSO tell you that it is the supreme being, NOT you, who is qualified to pass judgement on the morality of any person's actions, suggesting sexual preference is STILL no excuse to let it enter into other issues at all... type B are just demented, brainwashed fools, who believe it because it's all they have been told by the small-minded bigots they have been most exposed to in places of great power... and it is you that I am most afraid of in our country, as it is you whom have brought us to where we are today... and I am terrified that it is you whom are the majority, going to polls to cast your vote agaisnt gay marriage in 2004 and, while you're there, dooming us to another four years of the horror that is our current administration.

I went camping this weekend to Gettysburg with friends, and tried to put both this latest demonstration of the absurdity of those leading us out of my mind, but this morning as I awoke home again, I found it still resting on my chest, and just had to write about it.

I don't want to debate with you about if homosexuality is "right" or "wrong" (not right now, at least). That is simply not the issue. There are TONS of different choices people make that are considered to be "wrong" at different levels by others. I don't think there is an American that doesn't do something daily that another group of Americans think is "wrong." But... if that action is VICTIMLESS, such as sexual preference... or eating a cheeseburger... or using pants that have a zipper... our government and ALL its institutions have NO RIGHT to persecute the action!

I've only known very few examples of people who have had the nerve to suggest that not only is homosexuality "wrong", but that there are victims. There are always the people who still subscribe to the theory that they are depriving humanity of their offspring (in this day and age, and with overpopulation to boot? Give me a break!), but I remember one other time that I think represents a lot of the homophobia out there itself. Once, many years ago while I was still in high school, I remember going into a Blockbuster Video with a couple friends, and as I picked out videotapes, being loudly discussed (as were my friends, all male) by a couple of other young men hanging out in the store, making crude sexual comments. I remember one of my friends, after we left, saying that he "hates gay people because they do that, making others uncomfortable, and that's wrong." But here's the problem (and I'm ashamed to admit that I was too young to articulate it in response to my friend back then): using such excuses to indict homosexuality is like using the exact same scenario substituting a construction worker and a woman walking by to indict all construction workers (or construction work as a profession)... or any number of other things.

Here's a couple examples from my own beliefs. I truly hate it when people inconsiderately litter public areas like streets and parks, spoiling those common areas for the rest of us. One of the most common examples of this litter I see is the moron who tosses spent cigarette butts out his or her window while driving, because it's too inconvenient to cope with the messy and smelly leavings of their habit properly. But that doesn't make SMOKERS bad in general, nor does it make SMOKING "immoral" - it just means that there are some morons out there who demonstrate their self-centeredness through what they do with their cigarette butts, since some morons just happen to smoke. To spin it around: I like classical and jazz music a lot, and volume can really make a big difference in the enjoyement of some pieces... but you don't hear me tossing on the "Lieutenant Kije Suite" by Prokofiev at earsplitting volume in my car and then rolling my windows down as I drive through your neighborhood... but even if I did, it wouldn't make people who like classical music automatically bad... similarly, people who like rap and hip-hop should not be indicted for their tastes just because there happen to be some morons who will drive around with it at earsplitting volumes with their windows down.

It's all a big logic puzzle, you know... some objects are blue and some objects are cars, and there are sometimes blue cars, but that DOESN'T mean that all blue things are cars or all cars are blue.

It sounds soooooo easy when we say it that way, and even some of the most simple people can grasp it, so why can't they understand it the other way?

You know, that some people are attracted to the same sex, and some people are inconsiderate @$$35, and there are sometimes inconsiderate @$$35 who are attracted to the same sex, but that DOESN'T mean that all homosexuals are @$$35...

nor does it mean that all people who are @$$35 are homosexual...

...as proven by the @$$35 who are leading our military and our government and insist on this ongoing persecution, even as we have so many other issues to deal with that are ACTUALLY IMPORTANT.

Happy Birthday to Blooooooooog...

Yay! Happy birthday to this, my first blog!

Okay, I admit, I missed it by a few weeks. It was actually the very beginning of June last year, and I'm not catching it until halfway through the month this year. But I think I've got a good excuse... see, the only reason I'm noticing that it's been a year since I started this blog is because of a bizarre and massive experience of deja vu. Today, it is well over 90 degrees out there in Syracuse... we've had a few hot days already, but this is the first ugly, humid, sweltering one that has made me consciously think to myself "I hate hot weather, and I can't stand being outside when it's over-hot like this", and hurriedly make plans to return to the comfort of my climate controlled home environment (A/C on strong right now, plus both the standalone fans and ceiling variety). Now, that made me feel deja-vu, because one of the very first rants I spewed forth onto this, my very first blog, was last year in June, when I took the opportunity to complain about how the rest of the world delights in calling this "good" weather, when I think it's some of the worst, and views rain and cool as "bad" weather, when it's what I'm longing for on a day like this.

So, anyway, I guess whatever the reason, happy birthday to blog! Yay! It's been an up and down year here, with some periods when I got a bit too busy to write, and some "feast" periods when I found something new to post almost daily. Of course, I've also begun several other blogs since then... a blog to reflect on my poker exploits, the Hold or Fold blog... a blog for discussing our regular poker tournament, the Poker Frog Blog... a blog for the extra-curricular theatre organization I run for the kids at the high school, the C.A.S.T. Blog... a sadly rarely used blog for recording my experiences in battling my weight (I hope I'll have more cause to post there this summer), entitled the Blubber Battle Blog... and even, most recently, a Relay Novel project for the Off On a Tangent comedy group, aptly entitled Off-On-A-Tangent Blog (tho nobody else has yet expanded on my story... *sigh*). Soon, I'll be posting a blog to support work on the Scene One summer show, too. Blogging has really turned out to be a great way to make it seem like I'm producing something... only if it's rarely read (though I have actually heard replies from THREE different people I know! How about that!!!).

Here's to you, blog... giving me someplace to rest my ranting insanity. Speaking of which... what is wrong with people? We went out to lunch today with my grandfather and my father (and lots of other family too) to celebrate Father's Day... and when we left the restaurant, my dad found his car had been hit in the parking lot by someone who just took off. Geesh... Happy Father's Day! May I someday have the ability to put things in calm perspective like he does...

A weekend with the gang

I spent this past weekend on a short trip with some friends. We drove down to Lancaster, Pennsylvania on Saturday, went out to dinner at a local Ichiban, stayed overnight in a downtown hotel (where we enjoyed a fantastic evening swim in the pool, which we had all to ourselves), and then headed over on Sunday to the reason for the trip, a performance of the musical 1776 at the Dutch Apple Theater, before heading back to Syracuse sunday night (stopping at a Cracker Barrel on the way). It was a short, exhausting trip, and some of the best fun I've had in a long time.

I honestly, truly love going on trips with friends. While relaxing in the pool on Saturday, we ended up on the topic, and there really is a key truth to that statement, at least for me: it matters not much at all where the trip is headed, but rather that it is with friends. The chance to hop in a carful of friends and hit the road, chat for hours, share music, share relaxations, share experiences (no matter what they are) along the way, it's at the center of my most treasured memories.

This summer will be a really packed one for us - I'm busy almost every week and every weekend, each with different responsibilities. Still, I hope we can find the time to just get together and go places with some friends, preferably unhindered by it being connected with any specific formal group or responsibility. Now that's the way I unwind.

P.S. - On a side note, I just got home from another very cathartic experience, the final Corcoran Live! concert of the season, and the last significant event I had the opportunity to share with this year's seniors. More on this next post - I have to get the photos processed first.

Music Hunting

I spent a chunk of my weekend burning new CDs to keep in the van, collections of favorite music and the like. That always has the potential to be a real time-killer for me, because it is so easy for me to get sidetracked by the search for different music that I've always wanted. Some of the searches that inadvertantly derailed me and ate up a few moments this weekend:

(1) A good recording of "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult - I have never broken down and purchased a BOC CD, because the best I can tell Reaper is the only BOC song I care for. Instead, I've downloaded Reaper about a dozen times... and until now, every copy has stunk. It's something with the cymbals in the set - they have a tinny, wavy quality that is really distracting to the overall song. Anyway, I was actually successful in this one this weekend finally, as I found an extended version of Reaper from a live BOC album on iTunes. It's got the extra live performance blemishes in the performance you'd expect, but overall, I call it a "win".

(2) Classical Rock - No, NOT "classic rock", and that's the problem. What I particularly like, and have been looking for for years, are instrumental rock versions of classical music. It DOESN'T COUNT if someone sings anywhere in the song, so pop songs that rip off parts of classical melodies don't count. A few optimum examples: "A Fifth of Beethoven" (the '70s dance version of Beethoven's 5th symphony), or "Sprach Zachustra" a la the rock funk version from the soundtrack to the Peter Sellers movie "Being There". I love that stuff, and I KNOW there is a lot more of it out there, but can't for the life of me find it. I came across two imperfect solutions in my short continuation of the quest this weekend. First, there is a version of "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" that I noticed in the end of "The 40 Year Old Virgin" this weekend, according to the credits performed by a group that seems very promising from the 70s, but which iTunes does not carry at all, and which appears only to be available on CD as a purchase of an expensive import. Second, a much less close fit, but interesting nonetheless, is a British group of four female violists who perform dance rock arrangements of classical pieces. I listened to some samples on iTunes and they sound a bit TOO dancey for me (plus all the literature and album art turns me off because of the over-sexing of the performers, I guess on the mistaken assumption that they need to sell these women as sex objects rather than as musicians because so much of the pathetic, shallow pop industry already has that screwed up value), but I think I'll end up giving them a try too.

(3) Gregorian Chants, modernized - Sort of related to #2, I guess. I specifically remember sometime in the '90s a CD coming out and being popular featuring Gregorian chants, set to rock beats and with light bass and synth accompaniment. Now, all my searches either turn up straightforward and genuine Gregorian chants, or (believe it or not) Gregorian chant versions of pop songs (the exact photo negative of what I'm looking for).

(4) The Foremen - Folk Political group that my friend Mark introduced me to, but whom broke up years ago, and now I can't find their albums, nor are they available on iTunes. Very funny stuff, and sorely needed in the current political climate.

(5) Rhapsodic, creatively instrumental music - Not solely instrumental here, but were talking a certain type of rock that I really enjoy, that has creative melody and musicality, non-adherence to the dull and overused conventions of common, static time signatures and melody patterns, and that feel more like a journey through several different melodies, rather than just a verse and a chorus over and over again. Some good examples: "Bat Out of Hell", "Paradise By the Dashboard Light", or "I Would Do Anything For Love" by Meatloaf; at least half of the greatest hits of Kansas; "Bohemian Rhapsody" or "Under Pressure" by Queen (lots others by them too). Maybe a couple things by Rush. I think it's really mostly a 70s anti-disco rock sound that does it, but I'm not sure. Anyone have anything good along those veins to recommend?